Hope

Definition of hope:
Hope [hohp] noun
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

I lived a long time without hope. Part of me was afraid to hope things would get better to only be disappointed when it didn't. Part of me just decided hope was for other people, positive happy people.

Hopelessness is overwhelmingly sad. I remember after my mom died and I was filled with so much grief, heartbroken, lost and I did not think it would get better. I remember thinking I am 31 years old and I most likely have a lot of years left to live feeling like this. I will be honest I was overwhelmed by that thought and not sure I could stand living many years feeling that way. My children, as always, are what kept me going and still keep me going.

Things did get better for awhile and just as I thought I was starting to feel like I could take a deep breath again, my father became ill. I didn't have much of a relationship with him but when I was told of his cancer diagnosis, I knew I was being given a chance, a choice. I could either keep on with the status quo or step out in absolute fear and go to him. I decided to go to him, with no expectations other than knowing I had done the right thing for myself and it turned into the best four months my father and I had ever experienced.

I was 35 when he passed away and I was devastated once again. It was strange to no longer have any living parents and I so wished Dad and I hadn't waited so long to make things right. At the time some other things in my life were not going so well and I fell apart. I was hopeless. I tried to drink it away, eat it away, smoke it away and of course, sometimes it worked for a moment but it was just a moment.

Almost a year after Dad died, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My body was just done. I was in pain all the time, facing a reality of having a chronic illness with no cure and a family that did not understand. I felt very much alone and hopeless.

Here I am at almost 40, still missing my parents, still have fibro, still have some issues that make life a little difficult but today I have hope. I will always miss my parents, no one can fill their spots in my heart and I don't want anyone to. I still have fibromyalgia and all the crap that comes with it, some days are damn tough but I have friends that get me through and I've decided that I'm going to live the best life I can despite it all. All the other stuff going on will work itself out, some of it already has and I know with time, it will be ok.

My life is far from perfect and I'm not one to be positive all the time no matter what. I don't sugar coat anything. If I say I'm having a rough day, I am. I have a temper and can cuss like a sailor when I'm pissed, not that I'm proud of that but it's the truth. I have social anxiety, hate crowds and I'm so terrifed of spiders I almost wrecked my car. I know that I am so blessed to have three, healthy children but sometimes I want to run away for a few days because they are all teenagers. I have a husband that I've been with for half my life who I love to pieces but dear God, he can drive me crazy.

With hope, I can see all the good things in the chaos, the grief, the bad days. I know that things will turn out for the best.